The Santa Cigarettes Caper

"Naturally, I want to know if Mr. LaRouche smokes or not, and maybe get an ally in this issue I call The Santa Cigarettes Caper, someone to watch my back against my wife and the stupid kids…"

by The Mogambo Guru

I was arguing with my wife about how Santa Claus left me a carton of cigarettes as a Christmas present under the tree, meaning (obviously) that Santa Claus wants me to start smoking again, probably because I look so cool smoking, and it's such a deliciously "bad boy" and highly "outré" thing to do these days.

My argument was that it would be rude and ungrateful of me not to smoke them, and she is giving me a loud load of her usual crap about how stupid it is to even SAY that Santa Claus wants me to start smoking, even though I keep shoving Defense Exhibit One right in her stupid face; the actual gift card that was attached to the carton of smokes that clearly says, "To Mogambo, from Santa! Enjoy!"

Unilaterally, she up and ejects my evidence! The evidence is thrown out just because Santa and I have similar handwriting! Similar! No proof, no evidence, no nothing except her loud mouth and some supposed "similarity"! What a travesty of justice! At Christmas, too!

The only bright spot is that I am now proved right in being snippy to her all year; she is obviously evil and deserves the ill-treatment!

I was earnestly instructing her as to the finer points of the law around here (which reminds me of a quote I seem to remember from Philip Roth's book, Portnoy's Complaint where he says, "The way it works around here, in case you ain't heard, is that I'm the boss and I call the shots!"), when I suddenly realized that this was a lot like the Federal Reserve giving this money away; it is widely appreciated and craved, even though it is obvious that the money is poisonous, and it just makes the problem of having too much debt all the more onerous when somebody borrows this money from the banks and thus incurs more debt, which is not to mention the problems created by me taking a few packs to use to, you know, make a little money on the side by selling individual loose cigarettes to the stupid school kids on their way to the bus stop, conveniently priced at 50 cents apiece or 3 for a buck, cash.

About this time, Junior Mogambo Ranger (JMR) Brad B. sent a pithy quote by Lyndon LaRouche, who is apparently looking around him at the bankrupted, corrupt economic mess that the Federal Reserve has created (with the encouragement of Congress (except Ron Paul), which desperately needs the money to deficit-spend), and who said that this is all just a "sign of the times - pure madness. The institutions are bankrupt, holding worthless junk, and they are pumping more worthless junk into the system. We must ask people: Are you crazy enough to go along with this crap?"

Naturally, I want to know if Mr. LaRouche smokes or not, and maybe get an ally in this issue I call The Santa Cigarettes Caper, someone to watch my back against my wife and the stupid kids, who always side with her in every argument, and then they always shrug their shoulders and complain to social workers in their whiny little voices, "Why does daddy hate us so much?", like they don't know! The little bastards!

Well, Mr. LaRouche is apparently appalled that my wife and kids would despise me with such a white-hot passion, and yet are too stupid to comprehend that if they ENCOURAGED me to smoke the damned cigarettes, I'd die earlier and their stupid prayers will have been answered! Dorks!

And to show Mr. LaRouche that I am not just another hateful little man that people want dead, but a hateful little arrogant man who will readily answer his little question; the answer is, of course, "Yes! We are crazy! Crazy enough to go along with this crap, because we ARE going along with this crap!" which I easily prove with a news article at Bloomberg.com, which reported that the Federal Reserve said it "will conduct biweekly emergency auctions of loans as 'long as necessary'' as part of a global attempt by central bankers to restore faith in the money markets." Hahaha!

I am going to have faith in the money markets because the central banks are debasing the money right in front of my own eyes? Hahaha! And promising to keep doing it "as long as necessary"? Yikes! I was right! The Federal Reserve IS a lunatic asylum! No freaking wonder the Federal Reserve has done such a poor job at "managing" the economy!

Kevin Duffy of Bearing Asset Management is, like me, a fan of the witty and clever H.L. Mencken, and so I am delighted to say that he perfectly illustrates the current central bank activities when he paraphrases him as saying "Fed intervention in the financial markets is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage." Hahaha! Thanks!

Naturally, my instinctive arrogance prompts me to automatically discern the slightest weakness in the argument and then pounce, tearing away bone and sinew with incisive penetrating analysis, and say "Hey, you can create money and credit from a monkey cage just by installing a button so that the Fed chairman can reach through the bars and press the button to create as much excess money and credit as you freaking want! In fact, we can fire Bernanke and get one of the monkeys to do it for free! We'll save a bundle right there!"

I was hoping for some intelligent rebuttal, a little intellectual give-and-take, but instead he just looks at me with this baleful look of disappointment on his face, and said, "Beam me up, Scotty. There are still no signs of intelligent life."

The weird part was when we read that Richard Gilhooly, who is an "interest-rate strategist in New York at BNP Paribas Securities Corp., one of the 20 primary dealers that trade directly with the central bank", said that "The fact that the Fed said they will continue every two weeks with these auctions will help yields on Treasuries to move higher, spreads to come in, and stocks to rise." Huh?

Let me make sure I got this right; the Federal Reserve is going to accelerate their destruction of the buying power of the dollar, manifested by inflation in prices, by holding continuous "emergency auctions" to create even MORE money, to create even MORE debt, to create even HIGHER prices, and yet bond yields will rise in the face of this monetary and consumer goods inflation? And stock prices will rise, too? Hahaha!

What can you do but laugh? They call it "gallows humor", and sometimes it's all you have left. Like now! Hahahaha!

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Editor's Note: Richard Daughty is general partner and COO for Smith Consultant Group, serving the financial and medical communities, and the editor of The Mogambo Guru economic newsletter - an avocational exercise to heap disrespect on those who desperately deserve it.

The Mogambo Guru is quoted frequently in Barron's, The Daily Reckoning and other fine publications. Click here to visit the Mogambo archive page.